Early on in the pandemic, my girlfriend and I met through Hinge. The spark was instant, and we soon transitioned from adorable Zoom dates to sharing naked photos and exchanging sexts in an effort to satisfy our growing lust for one another. The sexual tension between us reached an all-time high as a result of this, but with three months left before we had any possibility of meeting in person.
I made a great deal out of it before the meeting, saying I was in charge. In actuality, though, I was incredibly anxious about the possibility of making our texts come true. I resorted to gender roles at the time because I wasn’t sure how to handle my nonbinary identity.
When I was traveling to pick her up from the airport, I missed my exit four times because I was nervous and unable to focus on the map. When we first met, there was a strong energy between us. I was blown away by our chemistry as soon as I got out of the car to give her a hug. I was unable to even maintain eye contact with her. I was unable to act, backing away like a young person meeting their crush for the first time because there was something about being in person for the first time that created such a powerful layer of desire.
We quickly sat down on my couch after returning to my house, and I leaned in to give her my first kiss. We caught up and started making out.Sex toys are familiar territory. Since I first added them to my sexual repertoire seven years ago, I’ve had countless experiences with them — both by myself and with others. I felt confident in my ability to use them to enhance my own pleasure and my partner’s. My vibrator has always felt like a friend I could call on when I wasn’t necessarily sure I could get the job done, so the idea of introducing it into our first sexual experience eased my anxieties.
But my girlfriend admitted she’d never used a vibrator before. Unexpectedly, this admission made me feel calmer. Knowing this would be a new experience for both of us — me, because I was still new to having sex with women, and my girlfriend, because it would be her first time introducing a vibrator to the mix — gave me confidence. We would both have to let ourselves be vulnerable, which added a new level of intimacy to the experience.
